Let's play a game of "Two Lies and a Truth":
Today I got detained for excessive vuvuzela blowing, possession and intent to use 4 kilos of imported Nutella, general cultural insensitivity, and public defecation.
Lie
I Got bit by a Camel named Smitty Wormen Von Yaimen Hemjemsin.
Lie
I bought a 3,001 dollar bag of Sour Cream & Onion flavored gourmet Popcorn today.
Truth.
I could have bought 4.3 camels with that much money, but no, now I'm negative broke and camel-less.
How Come I am suddenly out 3,000 dollars?
So here's what I've been able to peace together:
A Jordanian man stole my American smart cell phone from my suitcase a month ago from my hotel room in Amman and proceeded to rack up 3,000 dollars worth of calls and internet free-for-alls in a month without my knowledge that the phone was even stolen in the first place.
Today, Mama Hob received the family plan bill from TMobile and angry emails ensued internationally when I was buying said popcorn with Sarah Miller. The following events occurred in this order:
1) Thought it was a joke just like in Arabic class today when our teacher acted like we all failed our midterm and it turns out the three people that make up my Modern Standard Arabic class all aced it.
2) Imagining the consequences if it was not a joke, I broke down in the friendly coffee shop next door called Bernies.
3) Called mother on Jordanian phone (the only phone I have been using for the last month). Fully realized it was not a joke, commenced crying in public.
4) Took emotional cab ride home with Sarah who said she would stay with me until I stopped imploding (super grateful for that, thanks Sarah!).
5) Arrived at Jordanian homestay in Amman and ran to the basement to check my luggage. No phone, only the empty case which taunted me like a 3000 dollar prized hermit crab that abandoned me with its shell.
6) Broke down on Jordanian cell phone to mama Hob. Acknowledged that I would not be able to sleep tonight if I didn't take some form of action.
7) Frightened my homestay family who didn't know whether to comfort me or leave me alone so they just kept feeding me tea which went in my mouth and came out my face.
8) Took advice from the rapper Unk from his debut album Beat'n Down Yo Block! and "WALKED IT OUT" (walked Sarah back)
9) Called Dr. Raed the program director. He said he would use his wasta (his ample Jordanian connections) and it was likely we could acquire the phone and/or get the charges taken away. He made the point that....
i) Jordan is the size of Indiana so everyone knows everyone's business.
ii) He has good standing with the Police here, and we would be filing a police report.
iii) He might know someone at Orange (the phone company that merged with Tmobile and is accountable for 96 percent of the charges)
iv) Things like this have happened before. They can use satellite to find the phone even though the service is now turned off.
10) Skype mother and discuss my plan of attack for tomorrow. Call insurance company, get ticked off at TMobile for not being the least bit considerate and saying they cannot help because the charges are from Orange (even though they merged).
11) Achieve a sense of calm apathy in the aftermath of emotional Hiroshima.
12) Hug Homestay family. Thank them for their understanding.
13) Experience insomnia from the excessive tea intake.....wrote this blog post in protest to insomnia.
14) Declare fatwa expressing my conditions of war against said Phone Companies. GET TO THE CHOPPA.
Tomorrow we venture to Orange with a copy of the statement and call history, a whole lot of WASTA, my game face, and the phone serial number.
Things learned from my experience:
1) THIS IS WHY I DON'T HAVE NICE THINGS
2) I must have bad karma cuz payback is a bitch
3) This must be what it feels like to get betrayed by your favorite camel.
4) Change Service Providers (Goodbye TMobile)
5) Numbering one's thoughts is cathartic.
Credits...
Camel Trained by Yutte Hermsgervordenbroti
Special Camel Effects Olaf Prot
Camel Costumes Siggi Churchill
Camel choerographed by Horst Prot III
Camel trained to mix concrete and
sign complicated insurance forms by Jurgan Wigg
Camel noses wiped by Bjorn Irkestom-Slater
Large Camel on the left hand side
of the screen in the third scene
from the end, given a therough
grounding in Latin, French, and
'O' level geography by Bo Benn
Suggestive poses for the Camel
suggested by Vic Rotter
Hump-care by Liv Thatcher-Inspired by Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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